Written by Val

I wrote this in November 2004, but the emotions are just as true today....

SIX MONTHS AGO

I held his hand, I stroked his hair
I begged him "Please don't go"
Did he even know that I was there
I guess the answer's no.

And now I've spent six months alone
Six months of utter hell.
I think it's turned my heart to stone
And my body to just a shell.

I need to scream and shout and cry
But I don't know where to start,
It's locked so very deep inside
And it's tearing me apart.

He shared my life for twenty years,
My sunshine, pride and joy,
So today I cry but no-one hears
I need my beautiful boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a few days before Allan had his transplant in May 2004 we went to the play-off match against Crystal Palace, where Sunderland failed to win promotion to the Premiership.

WE WENT TO THE MATCH

We went to the match even though you weren't well,
For you it was heaven in a life often hell.
The Lads tried their best at the Stadium of Light
But they just couldn't do it, it wasn't their night.

We'd had a good time though, and you'd needed a reason
To shout, cheer and laugh, "Well there's always next season"
But we never went back to that Stadium of Light
Because just ten days later you gave up the fight.

Now a year has gone by and I wish you could know
This season they did it, to the Premiership we go!
So I've got me a ticket, I've got to be brave,
And I'll tell you the scores when I visit your grave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas was always so special when Allan was here, but now it just intensifies my sadness, I wrote these words in December 2006 to try to explain....

JUST ANOTHER DAY

"Merry Christmas!" they all say
But to me it's just another day.
Another day of pain and grief
And missing Allan beyond belief.

Here's another card they've sent,
Yes I know it's with good intent,
But can't they see there is no joy
Since I lost my precious boy.

No tree or tinsel or merry rhyme
They belong to another time,
And as for dinner and christmas pud
I might as well be eating wood.

So please don't think I'm being rude,
Don't let my sadness be misconstrued
When I shake my head and walk away,
Saying "For me it's just another day".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For Allan's 21st birthday he'd been looking forward to a big party in Peterlee Catholic Club....

YOU WON'T BE THERE

We're having your birthday but you won't be there
There'll be laughter and tears, but you won't be there.

Balloons and confetti, but you won't be there,
A lovely pub lunch, but you won't be there.

There'll be family and friends but you won't be there,
Everyone who loves you, but you won't be there.

We'll celebrate your life but you won't be there,
How will I get through it....when you won't be there?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote the following in 2006, desperately trying to make some sense of my world without Allan....

READ THE INSTRUCTIONS

I didn't know how to be a child,
Fumbling my way in the world.
I had to grow and play and learn
And I couldn't read the instructions.

My teen-age years were such a mess,
Should I follow the pack or run free?
I didn't conform, I couldn't fit in
And I wouldn't read the instructions.

Young adulthood, that was ok,
Learning to love and be loved.
Having confidence, making my way,
Huh, who needs instructions?

Then suddenly I was a parent,
Three aliens entered my life!
We muddled along and it seemed to go right
But they didn't come with instructions.

But after losing my son, my beautiful boy
I'm desperately searching for answers,
How do I learn to live with this grief?
Please someone....write some instructions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Years are difficult too as they take me further away from the wonderful times we had when Allan was here....

NEW YEAR 2008