Allan Through My Eyes
(Written on November 20th 2004, saved from Allan's previous web-site)
I am Allan's brother David and I just wanted to write a few words about him so I can share my thoughts and my love for Allan with everybody.
Allan came into my life when I was just short of my 9th birthday and my big sis' Debbie was nearly 12 and I remember the day after he was born me and his Dad Allan senior walked the 4 or 5 miles from our house in Peterlee to the hospital at Little Thorpe (for some reason I can't remember where Debbie was that day but she wouldn't have liked the walk anyway because we took shortcuts across fields and were up to the eyes in mud when we got there, it took us 10 minutes to get cleaned up before we were allowed in).
From that very first day I knew I would always love my little brother and knew he was going to be special and how right I turned out to be. Once Allan was old enough to need his own bedroom, I was moved downstairs into the old dining room because our house was only 3 bedrooms, this of course I loved as it made my midnight raids on the kitchen cupboards a lot easier. As Allan got older and started to walk and run about he took on my love of all things football and we used to constantly kick a miniature football around the house, often knocking ornaments and cups of tea flying. Needless to say, Mum wasn't overly keen on this behaviour but I think we got away with it thanks to Allan's cheeky smile!
When Mum and Allan senior separated Debbie and I started to help Mum a lot more with Allan's care and would occasionally baby-sit for him so she could have a night out. In 1991, just after my 16th birthday, I started working ful-time in our local shop and Debbie moved to London to go to university (she always was the clever one). Allan was only 7 years old and had a lot of friends at North Blunts School (which was also the school Debbie and I had gone to). I remember the teachers there used to dote on him, especially the headmaster Mr Pritchard and senior teacher Mr Fisk, who I thought was a hard taskmaster but he certainly had a soft spot for Allan. Sadly Mr Fisk also passed away this year but he is buried just a few yards away from Allan at Peterlee Cemetery.
A few months later Mum turned 40 and the old saying is correct because she seemed to have a lot of new friends and started to go out a lot more leaving me in charge of Allan. Although he was often poorly and I would phone Mum to come home, I enjoyed looking after my kid brother even if it meant I couldn't go out with my friends sometimes. He was worth it and we did this for the best part of 2 years before I eventually started going out more myself.
I think it was about this time when Allan succumbed to the 'Dark Side of the Force' and started supporting Newcastle! What was he thinking? I can't remember if it was a birthday or Christmas but for a present Allan wanted a Newcastle strip. I was horrified but because I loved him I, a staunch Sunderland supporter, bought that Newcastle strip for my brother. His sanity was much questioned by all of us in the family and by Anthony, a lad from Sunderland who I'd met and became very firm friends with. I think it took about 12 to 18 months of pleading, cajoling, threatening and persuading before we finally managed to convert Allan to the greater good and he became a Sunderland supporter. And what a supporter he was, glued to the radio for virtually every match and though money was tight between me and Mum we managed to get him to the odd game now and then.
Over the next couple of years I found myself spending more and more time away from home and in 1996 I found a friend with a house who wanted somebody to share with so I moved in with him and although I didn't see Allan as often, he and Mum (who now had a car) would come to visit and Allan would sometimes stay over if Mum was going out for the night.
On 16th December 1999 my daughter Megan Debbie Walton was born and Mum and Allan were proud as punch. Mum was now a Gran and at just 15 years old Allan was an uncle and I knew they both absolutely adored her. By this time Lynsey and I had our own house just 8 miles from Mum and Allan and we saw a lot more of each other. In the summer of 2002 Mum and Allan were going on the annual pilgrimage to Primrose Valley and we all joined them as well as Debbie and her husband Steve. Even though Allan was getting a bit old for it he still joined the Tiger Club and spent a lot of time with the other kids doing all sorts of activities and we all had a great time going to the beach and the nightclub together and of course feeding the ducks, which Allan and Megan loved. Megan kept us all amused with her renditions of current songs from the charts especially Eminem whom Allan hated but would listen to if Megan was in the room.
Over the last 3 or 4 years Mum and Allan have made a lot of wonderful friends via the internet and especially the Wordox 'Oxerholics' website. They quite often went away for weekends to meet thse friends although sometimes if Allan didn't really fancy it he would stay with us on a fold-up bed in our spare room. I remember one time when Mum was away I was putting Megan to bed and I fell asleep sitting next to her while Allan and Lynsey were watching TV downstairs, when I eventually came down they had watched an entire film called What Lies Beneath and were both petrified but neither one would switch it off. It was at times like that I realised just how close we were and how lucky we were to have each other.
When Allan and Mum returned from their holiday to Spain in October 2003 and Allan was rushed to hospital, his kidneys having failed, it was truly a nightmare. At first I didn't realise the gravity of the situation but on seeing Allan in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere looking like he was at deaths door it was a hell of a shock. At the same time Mum was also ill with an infection from insect bites giving her blood poisoning in her legs and she was admitted to the same hospital in Middlesbrough but in a different ward, which I'm sure was about a 3-mile walk. I had recently been off work sick myself and couldn't afford any more time off so I had to do my visiting on an evening after I'd finished then go to Newcastle to pick up Megan from Lynsey's Mam's house as Lynsey was working evenings. It truly was an experience from hell. Fortunately Debbie came up from London for a few days, which was just as well because after Mum was discharged she picked up a chest infection (she was so run down it was probably inevitable). I don't know how we would have coped without her and also the help from my Nan and Grandad who did quite a bit of running around and driving for her.
Once Allan was home and Mum was better she dedicated every waking minute to looking after him. Although she had spent 19 and a half years constantly caring for him she somehow managed to do even more. His entire lifedtyle had to change instantly and somehow she coped with it all. Allan needed a completely different (and very strict) diet, a whole new combination of tablets to take and the constant tiredness from all the travelling to hospital and exhaustive dialysis 3 times a week. To this day I do not know where she gets the strength to cope with it all.
After the New Year, Debbie, Mum and myself all began having tests to see if we could be compatible kidney donors. This involved about 10 or 12 different blood tests, chest scans, HIV tests, ECGs and a full medical examination. It was quite gruelling but it was something that we knew we had to try. At one point I even had to have a blood test to determine if I really was Allan's brother and although Mum was looking shifty of course it was ok. It was during this process that the kidney transplant team at Middlesbrough told both me and Mum that we had to lose weight if we wanted to be considered as donors so we both started to diet. I think this made Allan feel a bit better because he wasn't allowed chocolate and now neither were we.
On 20th March 2004, Allan celebrated his 20th birthday and because of the bloody hard time he'd had over the last 6 months Mum wanted to make it as special as possible. Typically Allan didn't want to make a fuss and it was off to McDonalds on a Saturday afternoon with myself and Lynsey, Megan and a few of Allan's friends from college. Mum was paying for everybody's food but none of Allan's friends would have anything more than a Happy Meal and an ice-cream and I remember thinking how proud I was that they weren't there for the free grub, they truly wanted to spend some time with a good friend of theirs and I know it must be very difficult for them to cope with his death as they are all people with special needs of their own and need all the friends they can get.
In May of this year our beloved Sunderland reached both the FA Cup semi-final (where we got beat) and the League Division 1 play-offs (where we got beat). Although I managed to get a ticket for the FA Cup match I couldn't go to the play-off game. Imagine my jealousy when Mum and Allan managed to get 2 tickets through the Disabled Supporters Association (although I was pleased for them as they both thoroughly deserved a treat). This game was on a Monday night and Allan had dialysis the next day so he really should have gone to bed early but the match went into extra time and then into penalties which we eventually lost. It was therefore well after midnight when Allan got to bed and he was exhausted the following day and slept for about 8 hours after his dialysis. I know he was bitterly disappointed at the result but he still thoroughly enjoyed the occasion.
Just 48 hours after this match Allan and Mum were in the Freeman Hospital having had the call that a kidney may have been found for him. I was both nervous and excited when Mum called to say that they had given the go-ahead for the transplant and that Allan had even signed his consent form. This was a very brave thing from somebody who was terrified by even the simplest of injections and who had spent 7 months being prodded, poked and stabbed with needles by a succession of doctors and nurses. The operation was a success and Allan just needed to take his time and recover.
That evening I visited Allan and while I expected him to be poorly I was quite taken aback with how poorly he looked. He was however still heavily sedated and only briefly woke up to give one of his trademark cheeky grins. The following night when I called in he was much improved and was even sitting up watching telly, another of his passions in life. He was recovering well and we spent a couple of hours just chatting about football and about Megan. When I left him that night little did I know that it would be our last conversation.
On the Saturday I couldn't get in to visit Allan but I phoned the ward and they said he was doing just fine. I later spoke to Mum and she said he had been a bit short of breath but seemed to be ok. In the early hours of Sunday morning I received a call from the hospital saying that Allan was very poorly and Mum was there but she wanted me to be there too. I rushed through to find he'd had a heart attack during the night and his heart had stopped for 20 minutes, during this period the staff were at his side and were doing all they could to keep him alive and get oxygen to his brain. Later that morning he was transferred to intensive care and had an amazing team of doctors and nurses looking after him, but the damage that had been caused was more severe than they originally thought.
Over the next couple of days various attempts were made to wake Allan but to no avail. By Wednesday afternoon the doctors were convinced that Allan's brain had been irreparably damaged and he would not come round. Then came the job of phoning Debbie, who was beside herself with worry that we would have to switch off his ventilator and Allan would die. She left work in London immediately and within 5 hours was at Newcastle Station where I picked her up. The next few hours were just awful, the 3 of us sat by Allan's bedside but eventually had to take turns at having a rest as we were physically and emotionally drained.
On Thursday 27th May 2004 we sat and held Allan's hand as he slowly slipped away from us, although typically of Allan he clung to life as long as possible.
I will never forget that day, as it was the worst feeling in my life.
I have never felt as helpless as I did that day.
The following night I had to try and explain to Megan that Allan would not be coming home. How do you explain to a four year old that she will never again see someone she loves so much? Even now, 6 months later, Megan will start to cry and ask why her Uncle Allan has gone to heaven. It is a question I can't answer because I myself still can't understand why someone so brave and caring and full of life had to leave us. I only hope as time goes by we will all come to terms with what happened.
On October 12th an inquest was held into Allan's death where evidence from the coroner and from the surgeon who performed the operation was heard. From this evidence it was found that Allan's heart attack was caused by a condition known as Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome which is a defect in the hearts electrical circuits which causes it to short-circuit and stop the heart from beating. It is a rare but naturally occurring syndrome which even if the surgical team had been aware of they still would have advised to go ahead with surgery. A decision which Mum, Debbie and Myself have since all said that we would have agreed with.
A life of dialysis was no life for Allan, he deserved the fresh start that the new kidney would have given him. He was a special person who for 20 years showed that special kind of bravery that is seldom seen. I know he looked up to me, Debbie and Mum but I don't know if he ever realised just how much we admired him and what a hero he was.
Allan will never be forgotten by any of us, I only wish we'd had more time together, especially for Megan who only knew him for 4 and a half short years but keeps a photo of him by her bed, and will always remember the time when she was 3 and Allan tickled her so much she almost wet herself. It is memories like these that keep me going when I feel down.
Goodbye Allan, we will always love you.
I am Allan's brother David and I just wanted to write a few words about him so I can share my thoughts and my love for Allan with everybody.
Allan came into my life when I was just short of my 9th birthday and my big sis' Debbie was nearly 12 and I remember the day after he was born me and his Dad Allan senior walked the 4 or 5 miles from our house in Peterlee to the hospital at Little Thorpe (for some reason I can't remember where Debbie was that day but she wouldn't have liked the walk anyway because we took shortcuts across fields and were up to the eyes in mud when we got there, it took us 10 minutes to get cleaned up before we were allowed in).
From that very first day I knew I would always love my little brother and knew he was going to be special and how right I turned out to be. Once Allan was old enough to need his own bedroom, I was moved downstairs into the old dining room because our house was only 3 bedrooms, this of course I loved as it made my midnight raids on the kitchen cupboards a lot easier. As Allan got older and started to walk and run about he took on my love of all things football and we used to constantly kick a miniature football around the house, often knocking ornaments and cups of tea flying. Needless to say, Mum wasn't overly keen on this behaviour but I think we got away with it thanks to Allan's cheeky smile!
When Mum and Allan senior separated Debbie and I started to help Mum a lot more with Allan's care and would occasionally baby-sit for him so she could have a night out. In 1991, just after my 16th birthday, I started working ful-time in our local shop and Debbie moved to London to go to university (she always was the clever one). Allan was only 7 years old and had a lot of friends at North Blunts School (which was also the school Debbie and I had gone to). I remember the teachers there used to dote on him, especially the headmaster Mr Pritchard and senior teacher Mr Fisk, who I thought was a hard taskmaster but he certainly had a soft spot for Allan. Sadly Mr Fisk also passed away this year but he is buried just a few yards away from Allan at Peterlee Cemetery.
A few months later Mum turned 40 and the old saying is correct because she seemed to have a lot of new friends and started to go out a lot more leaving me in charge of Allan. Although he was often poorly and I would phone Mum to come home, I enjoyed looking after my kid brother even if it meant I couldn't go out with my friends sometimes. He was worth it and we did this for the best part of 2 years before I eventually started going out more myself.
I think it was about this time when Allan succumbed to the 'Dark Side of the Force' and started supporting Newcastle! What was he thinking? I can't remember if it was a birthday or Christmas but for a present Allan wanted a Newcastle strip. I was horrified but because I loved him I, a staunch Sunderland supporter, bought that Newcastle strip for my brother. His sanity was much questioned by all of us in the family and by Anthony, a lad from Sunderland who I'd met and became very firm friends with. I think it took about 12 to 18 months of pleading, cajoling, threatening and persuading before we finally managed to convert Allan to the greater good and he became a Sunderland supporter. And what a supporter he was, glued to the radio for virtually every match and though money was tight between me and Mum we managed to get him to the odd game now and then.
Over the next couple of years I found myself spending more and more time away from home and in 1996 I found a friend with a house who wanted somebody to share with so I moved in with him and although I didn't see Allan as often, he and Mum (who now had a car) would come to visit and Allan would sometimes stay over if Mum was going out for the night.
On 16th December 1999 my daughter Megan Debbie Walton was born and Mum and Allan were proud as punch. Mum was now a Gran and at just 15 years old Allan was an uncle and I knew they both absolutely adored her. By this time Lynsey and I had our own house just 8 miles from Mum and Allan and we saw a lot more of each other. In the summer of 2002 Mum and Allan were going on the annual pilgrimage to Primrose Valley and we all joined them as well as Debbie and her husband Steve. Even though Allan was getting a bit old for it he still joined the Tiger Club and spent a lot of time with the other kids doing all sorts of activities and we all had a great time going to the beach and the nightclub together and of course feeding the ducks, which Allan and Megan loved. Megan kept us all amused with her renditions of current songs from the charts especially Eminem whom Allan hated but would listen to if Megan was in the room.
Over the last 3 or 4 years Mum and Allan have made a lot of wonderful friends via the internet and especially the Wordox 'Oxerholics' website. They quite often went away for weekends to meet thse friends although sometimes if Allan didn't really fancy it he would stay with us on a fold-up bed in our spare room. I remember one time when Mum was away I was putting Megan to bed and I fell asleep sitting next to her while Allan and Lynsey were watching TV downstairs, when I eventually came down they had watched an entire film called What Lies Beneath and were both petrified but neither one would switch it off. It was at times like that I realised just how close we were and how lucky we were to have each other.
When Allan and Mum returned from their holiday to Spain in October 2003 and Allan was rushed to hospital, his kidneys having failed, it was truly a nightmare. At first I didn't realise the gravity of the situation but on seeing Allan in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere looking like he was at deaths door it was a hell of a shock. At the same time Mum was also ill with an infection from insect bites giving her blood poisoning in her legs and she was admitted to the same hospital in Middlesbrough but in a different ward, which I'm sure was about a 3-mile walk. I had recently been off work sick myself and couldn't afford any more time off so I had to do my visiting on an evening after I'd finished then go to Newcastle to pick up Megan from Lynsey's Mam's house as Lynsey was working evenings. It truly was an experience from hell. Fortunately Debbie came up from London for a few days, which was just as well because after Mum was discharged she picked up a chest infection (she was so run down it was probably inevitable). I don't know how we would have coped without her and also the help from my Nan and Grandad who did quite a bit of running around and driving for her.
Once Allan was home and Mum was better she dedicated every waking minute to looking after him. Although she had spent 19 and a half years constantly caring for him she somehow managed to do even more. His entire lifedtyle had to change instantly and somehow she coped with it all. Allan needed a completely different (and very strict) diet, a whole new combination of tablets to take and the constant tiredness from all the travelling to hospital and exhaustive dialysis 3 times a week. To this day I do not know where she gets the strength to cope with it all.
After the New Year, Debbie, Mum and myself all began having tests to see if we could be compatible kidney donors. This involved about 10 or 12 different blood tests, chest scans, HIV tests, ECGs and a full medical examination. It was quite gruelling but it was something that we knew we had to try. At one point I even had to have a blood test to determine if I really was Allan's brother and although Mum was looking shifty of course it was ok. It was during this process that the kidney transplant team at Middlesbrough told both me and Mum that we had to lose weight if we wanted to be considered as donors so we both started to diet. I think this made Allan feel a bit better because he wasn't allowed chocolate and now neither were we.
On 20th March 2004, Allan celebrated his 20th birthday and because of the bloody hard time he'd had over the last 6 months Mum wanted to make it as special as possible. Typically Allan didn't want to make a fuss and it was off to McDonalds on a Saturday afternoon with myself and Lynsey, Megan and a few of Allan's friends from college. Mum was paying for everybody's food but none of Allan's friends would have anything more than a Happy Meal and an ice-cream and I remember thinking how proud I was that they weren't there for the free grub, they truly wanted to spend some time with a good friend of theirs and I know it must be very difficult for them to cope with his death as they are all people with special needs of their own and need all the friends they can get.
In May of this year our beloved Sunderland reached both the FA Cup semi-final (where we got beat) and the League Division 1 play-offs (where we got beat). Although I managed to get a ticket for the FA Cup match I couldn't go to the play-off game. Imagine my jealousy when Mum and Allan managed to get 2 tickets through the Disabled Supporters Association (although I was pleased for them as they both thoroughly deserved a treat). This game was on a Monday night and Allan had dialysis the next day so he really should have gone to bed early but the match went into extra time and then into penalties which we eventually lost. It was therefore well after midnight when Allan got to bed and he was exhausted the following day and slept for about 8 hours after his dialysis. I know he was bitterly disappointed at the result but he still thoroughly enjoyed the occasion.
Just 48 hours after this match Allan and Mum were in the Freeman Hospital having had the call that a kidney may have been found for him. I was both nervous and excited when Mum called to say that they had given the go-ahead for the transplant and that Allan had even signed his consent form. This was a very brave thing from somebody who was terrified by even the simplest of injections and who had spent 7 months being prodded, poked and stabbed with needles by a succession of doctors and nurses. The operation was a success and Allan just needed to take his time and recover.
That evening I visited Allan and while I expected him to be poorly I was quite taken aback with how poorly he looked. He was however still heavily sedated and only briefly woke up to give one of his trademark cheeky grins. The following night when I called in he was much improved and was even sitting up watching telly, another of his passions in life. He was recovering well and we spent a couple of hours just chatting about football and about Megan. When I left him that night little did I know that it would be our last conversation.
On the Saturday I couldn't get in to visit Allan but I phoned the ward and they said he was doing just fine. I later spoke to Mum and she said he had been a bit short of breath but seemed to be ok. In the early hours of Sunday morning I received a call from the hospital saying that Allan was very poorly and Mum was there but she wanted me to be there too. I rushed through to find he'd had a heart attack during the night and his heart had stopped for 20 minutes, during this period the staff were at his side and were doing all they could to keep him alive and get oxygen to his brain. Later that morning he was transferred to intensive care and had an amazing team of doctors and nurses looking after him, but the damage that had been caused was more severe than they originally thought.
Over the next couple of days various attempts were made to wake Allan but to no avail. By Wednesday afternoon the doctors were convinced that Allan's brain had been irreparably damaged and he would not come round. Then came the job of phoning Debbie, who was beside herself with worry that we would have to switch off his ventilator and Allan would die. She left work in London immediately and within 5 hours was at Newcastle Station where I picked her up. The next few hours were just awful, the 3 of us sat by Allan's bedside but eventually had to take turns at having a rest as we were physically and emotionally drained.
On Thursday 27th May 2004 we sat and held Allan's hand as he slowly slipped away from us, although typically of Allan he clung to life as long as possible.
I will never forget that day, as it was the worst feeling in my life.
I have never felt as helpless as I did that day.
The following night I had to try and explain to Megan that Allan would not be coming home. How do you explain to a four year old that she will never again see someone she loves so much? Even now, 6 months later, Megan will start to cry and ask why her Uncle Allan has gone to heaven. It is a question I can't answer because I myself still can't understand why someone so brave and caring and full of life had to leave us. I only hope as time goes by we will all come to terms with what happened.
On October 12th an inquest was held into Allan's death where evidence from the coroner and from the surgeon who performed the operation was heard. From this evidence it was found that Allan's heart attack was caused by a condition known as Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome which is a defect in the hearts electrical circuits which causes it to short-circuit and stop the heart from beating. It is a rare but naturally occurring syndrome which even if the surgical team had been aware of they still would have advised to go ahead with surgery. A decision which Mum, Debbie and Myself have since all said that we would have agreed with.
A life of dialysis was no life for Allan, he deserved the fresh start that the new kidney would have given him. He was a special person who for 20 years showed that special kind of bravery that is seldom seen. I know he looked up to me, Debbie and Mum but I don't know if he ever realised just how much we admired him and what a hero he was.
Allan will never be forgotten by any of us, I only wish we'd had more time together, especially for Megan who only knew him for 4 and a half short years but keeps a photo of him by her bed, and will always remember the time when she was 3 and Allan tickled her so much she almost wet herself. It is memories like these that keep me going when I feel down.
Goodbye Allan, we will always love you.
